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| USA TODAY |
So.
You’re looking for an NFL team to root for.
Well you’ve come to the worst place, but now that you’re here, we might as well chat.
With focus on football growing to its full strength and legions of fans participating in fantasy football, discussing intricate details, and betting on outcomes, I’m here to give you an easy way in: a team to cheer for based on your astrological alignment. It’s all very scientific.
There will be no stats here. The only advanced analytics you’ll see are the advanced stages of enlightenment my brain has to be in in order to analyze NFL teams and fit them into the millennial’s concept of astrology. And, yes. I am biased against your favorite team and your astrological sign! Thanks for noticing!
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
If you care to take a step outside of your latest conspiracy theory for a moment, I think I can offer you two stellar options to root for this upcoming NFL season.Houston Texans
That “always an outsider, maybe I’m an alien” feeling you have? The Texans have it too, given that they are one of the newest NFL teams and they share a state with one of the most popular franchises (the Dallas Cowboys). You’re also both a little too cocky for your own good.Oakland Raiders
If you’re an Aquarius with a dramatic, adversarial streak, the Raiders are for you. Not only are they on a reality show, but wide receiver Antonio Brown had a whole helmet saga that was dramatic, yes, but also kind of righteous.Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Listen, Pisces, I’m not going to say something like “there’s no crying in football” because I know you would immediately feel like you have no place in this fandom. But I will give you some options of who to root for.Kansas City Chiefs
As a dreamer, I think you’ll like this these guys who had a dream team last season. This year’s Chiefs aren’t without flaws, but we could potentially see another dream team, helmed by Patrick Mahomes.Washington Redskins
If you’re a Pisces whose sensitivity sometimes bleeds into self-destructive behavior, Washington is the team for you. They’ve had a slew of bad luck over the past few seasons, but on the bright side, it’s easy to dream of better things!Carolina Panthers
As someone who takes things very personally and feels like everything rests on your shoulders, you might identify with this Carolina team, Pisces. Basically, the whole season rests on the health of their quarterback, Cam Newton.Aries (March 21 - April 19)
I’ll make this quick, Aries, because I know you’re desperate to go make a rash decision with major consequences.Philadelphia Eagles
Your obnoxious, agitator side will fit in with Eagles fans like Cinderella’s foot fit that glass slipper. And the Eagles are looking pretty good. So you’ll get to enjoy them winning a lot if Carson Wentz continues to do well.Chicago Bears
Much like you, Chicago is low-key really sensitive. Last year, their playoff run ended when they missed a field goal with a double doink that became a meme. Just last week, their coach hosted the most absurd kicker tryouts, as if he was defensively saying “That won’t happen again this year! I promise!”Green Bay Packers
I’m not saying that the Aries-Packers match-up is necessarily a no-brainer. What I’m saying is that the Packers are going to be forced into a very Aries-like position this season, jumping in feet first without a lot of experience or preparation for their very young team. Plus, you are the most likely to chug a beer at a Bucks game just to prove a point.Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Taurus, I have to level with you - it’s hard to be a sports fan and stay calm. However, I have assembled three options here for you that might help you keep your chill exterior, while still enjoying some ball games.New Orleans Saints
If there was ever a football team that embodied the strong, dependable, patience of you, Taurus, it’s the New Orleans Saints, led by Drew Brees. Drew Brees is like this sturdy, positive, always-there presence in New Orleans, whether the team is good or bad. But this year they’re just going to be solidly good.Minnesota Vikings
The Vikings are another no-nonsense option for the Taurus who also likes to live a little dangerously. Don’t worry, though, not too dangerously. All I mean is that while their defense is holding steady (and strong), their offense is a bit of a question mark.Tennessee Titans
The Titans are steady in that they have gone 9-7 each of the past three years. And I know that’s the kind of dependability that appeals to you, Taurus.Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Honestly, Gemini, your two-sided thing (sometimes coded as versatile, sometimes coded as gossiping scam artist) is really suited to NFL fandom. Versatility and gossip are both superpowers within the world of American football.Baltimore Ravens
For the Ravens, two roads are diverging in a wood and they are: 1) awesome 2019 season and 2) awful 2019 season. The Ravens are going to take one of these paths. With the uncertainty of their quarterback Lamar Jackson and their offense in general, I think we’re preparing to see some flip-flopping – right up your alley, Gemini.Cincinnati Bengals
Oof. It’s unlikely that it’s going to be a great season for the Bengals. But seeing as you kind of love the drama, Gemini, you might enjoy this team. The other thing about the Bengals this year? There are likely to be a lot of sacks of their quarterback, which I feel like you will live for.New York Jets
I’m not going to beat about the bush here, Gemini, I really think the big draw for you here is the snazzy new uniforms. And also the reactions to them, which ranged from shade to adoration.Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Cancer, you might be the most perfectly primed sign for sports fandom. Taking everything as a personal attack? Overly invested and overly sensitive? Very protective? Perfect.Buffalo Bills
The main reason the Bills are my recommendation for you is because their fans are notorious for being big whiners. At the same time, if you’re looking for a relatively new and untested team to get invested in so that you can be one of the first people who believed in them, the Bills are not a bad option.New York Giants
Cancer, Giants fans are very hard on their team, but then as soon as someone else insults them, they’re ready to fight to the death. You’ll fit right here, with your penchant for getting obsessively invested in underdog teams.Detroit Lions
Very loyal. Very intense. Very long-suffering. Don’t get attached to this team unless you are in it for the long haul. And that’s not a challenge to see how loyal you can be to one of the worst teams over the past several decades. It’s a warning (and maybe a challenge).Leo (July 23 - August 22)
I’m not sure how much you will love football itself, but I know for a fact that you will love the drama of it.Dallas Cowboys
I don’t think there is a flashier franchise in all of football. I’ll give you a real life example. I live in DC, and the Washington football team and the Cowboys are big rivals. Cowboys fans who live in DC are the loudest and proudest about their fandom. I’m talking HUGE stickers and flags on their car even when it’s not football season. The biggest sports logo you’ve ever seen on a giant puffy jacket. Massive tattoos. They are the most dramatic and flashiest of any sports fanbase in DC. And they’re from Dallas.Los Angeles Rams
I’ll level with you, Leo. I know a weird amount about the LA Rams for someone who is not a Rams fan, and it’s partially because I have a crush on like half their players. Have you seen Robert Woods? And don’t even get me started on Brandin Cooks and his cute af dogs.Cleveland Browns
Two seasons ago, the Cleveland Browns did not win a single game. This season, people are expecting them to win their division. Is that flashy and dramatic enough for you, Leo?Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Your analytical brain may grow to love football eventually, but that’s not how I’m going to start you off. Instead, I’ll introduce you to three teams that need some help from you (which I know you love).
San Francisco 49ers
Wow, Virgo, this is the team for the helper/mom in you! They can’t seem to stop getting injured! Clearly they need your positive, healing energy in their lives.Indianapolis Colts
Even if this is your first time ever reading an online article about football, chances are you have heard about the Colts’ expected starting quarterback Andrew Luck and his surprising retirement. This team definitely needs help and guidance, as they are a little bit in the lurch right now.Denver Broncos
If the 49ers and the Colts are like young ones floundering around and needing a guiding hand, the Broncos are like the prodigal son returned home to seek help after cockily claiming he didn’t need it. Defense is good, but their quarterback is not great, and they’re largely up against much better teams in their conference. They need your help, Virgo!Libra (September 23 - October 22)
There are actually quite a few teams that would fit your personality and lifestyle, Libra. Your ability to see all sides would make for a very reasonable (and therefore uncommon) sports fan.Atlanta Falcons
The Falcons are a pretty new team, all things considered, and they are still trying to find their identity within the league. Or are they? I mean, they did almost win the Super Bowl a few years ago. Except last year injuries plagued them and they had a losing record. This seesawing is exactly why I think you are suited to the Falcons.Tampa Bay Buccaneers
This Bucs team will speak to you through its change in personality depending on who it’s facing. Their offense is pretty good. Their defense? Awful. This means that against some teams, they’ll look amazing. Against other teams, they’ll be pretty tragic.Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
To be real with you, your controlling nature is going to make watching sports hard. But, your penchant for manipulation and deep attachment? Perfect for the NFL.Miami Dolphins
You may look at the colors of this team and think that you would rather die than call attention to yourself like they do. But, they are being very manipulative this season with their “intentional rebuild.”Arizona Cardinals
Honestly, Scorpio, your love of chaos is the main reason I have the Cardinals here. That being said, they may just surprise us all. Also, the whole Kyler Murray situation where he was stringing along two pro sports leagues? Very Scorpio.Jacksonville Jaguars
The big draw for you here is the mystery. No one really knows what to expect from the Jaguars this year. Just the way you like it.Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
While I’m kind of counting on you to be a fairweather fan, given your penchant for spontaneity and constant movement, here are some options of where to start.Los Angeles Chargers
This team literally moved to a new city to reinvent themselves. And it worked. Is that not the most Sagittarius thing you’ve ever heard?Seattle Seahawks
They have the highest paid NFL player in Russell Wilson, which feels like a very Sagittarius thing to do. And the fact that they don’t have enough money to get players to back him up is also reflective of your tendency to act first, ask questions later.Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
You, Capricorn, are what every NFL team should hope to be. A serious, disciplined, tenacious planner. But only certain teams have actually achieved that.New England Patriots
The 2016-2017 Patriots’ motto was “Do Your Job,” which is also your catch phrase, right? They’re seen as boring, but under Bill Belichik, they work hard, every player has a specific role, and they win. A lot.Pittsburgh Steelers
Much like the Patriots, the Steelers are very much the “put your head down, work hard, see results” type. They’re smart, dangerous, and always a contender.Have fun losing your life to your new obsession, everyone!